Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Guys, In Case You Were Wondering, This Is NOT How You Get A Girl To Like You. PART ONE

Ok, this IS a REAL email my friend recieved over a year ago that I just now found out about... And it is a gold mine of DO NOT'S for guys.  First off, the names have been changed. Secondly here is a bit of background that led up to this email and another one that I will deconstruct another day...

 So my friend, let's call her Becca, was in a bio lab, and she's a cute little petite thing, and is mildly hipsterish in dress, but she doesn't do it on purpose, it's just always been her style. Anyhow, She's a good christian girl, and an only child, who was also home-schooled. (read here that she is sweet and innocent, and a bit oblivious to opposite gender cues... To be entirely fair, I was not home-schooled and Bruce had to flat out tell me he liked me.)  Anyhow one day this guy comes up to her and is like, "Can I have a word with you?" Which honestly makes it sound like she's in trouble... anyhow they chatted about the class for a bit and then he started pushing her to hang out one on one and get food or study or something and she invited him to lunch with her friends and he declines saying that would be awkward. So the next week after lab he approaches her again... And tries to persuade her to hang out with him one on one, she declines again. Then the next week he approaches her and asks if she had thought about his offer. She tells him no, and he walks away and doesn't bother her for the rest of the semester. Then a few weeks into the next semester she gets this little gem.

Hey becca, you might remember me, I'm jim, and i was in your bio lab last semester. You might think I'm creepy, and i assure you i am not. Thanks for the heads up Jim-bo BUT i did end up finding ur email, so sorry for looking like a creep. "Once again I feel a need to reiterate I am not exhibiting creepy behavior, because I say so, even though I clearly realize my behavior is creepy because I keep trying to convince you otherwise." If you think I'm weird, then you can simply not respond to this email, and no hard feelings, ill be ok. Good to know... I'm not responding.
Well, ill just be completely honest.. 
I haven't had a girlfriend since i last said bye to her at the end of last school year. Wait, you've had a girlfriend? I am still in love with her ;( she was almost perfect until her friends brainwashed her. Yeah... sure they did. So when you told me that you would only date a guy in your circle of close friends, I found it somewhat coincidental. What? How? But the worst part is, she just recently told me that she can't talk to me anymore, and she's about to date one of her good friends. Well, While I'm sorry to hear that you are heartbroken, why are you telling me this, and what does this have to do with me???
When I first talked to you, i had hesitations because i wanted to stay loyal to my ex, and wanted to date her again. And i never talk to girls, but you are so beautiful and smart-looking. Gee.. I bet you say that to all the girls. AND What exactly does smart look like? Are you implying that I'm not actually smart?
Anyways, idk if you live at your parents house, or you live with friends. But i just moved back in with my family this year. I transferred from western. Now, I don't have any close friends that still live here. I have few friends around, but i only hang out rarely. So I'm assuming that if you live with friends, you will probably think I'm a loser because I'm living at my parents home. I assure you this is not why I would think you're a loser... I don't party anymore, I rarely drink, i drank with my close friends for new years, but thats it. I have the best friends in the world, its just they are all moved away ;(  Sorry? I'm glad you have friends?  What do you want me to say? Also.. Emoticons? Really?
I don't talk to anyone really. just through the phone, long distance. Well, long distance conversation WAS the purpose of the telephone, so, Kudos to you Jimmy! You're doing it right. i guess I'm a loner now. I wish you wouldn't think I'm a loser, because I'm not. Why are you so convinced that I think you're a loser??? You realize that doing this DOES make you seem like a loser, right?  If you give me a chance, then i could prove it to u. Im a professional musician. lol. You and every other high school kid with an instrument  i wish i could show u my art. If this is anything like "come over and see my etchings" I'm even less interested. 
Ok, this is going to sound weird: Oh THIS is the weird part, ok. I was confused by the normalcy of the rest of this email. Thanks for the heads up.  I have had a very stressful and eventful life. So, you're trying to convince me you're deep and brooding... got it. I never believed and talked to god, until a few months ago. I love him, but now my mind is flip-flopping, and I know you believe in god, i wish we could embrace him. Here I'm just picturing a Jesus group hug. I typed ur name in google and saw something about the bible and you. Don't worry, i didn't spend a lot of time looking you up, I'm not a creep. True fact: if you set an egg timer for 15 minutes and then google someone, as long as you're done before the egg timer dings, you're not a creep. Cosmo said so! Also, If you are googling someone DON'T FUCKING TELL THEM!!! Telling them is what makes it creepy. I just want to do good in school, and be happy. Its really hard, because the love of my life just betrayed me. We were first loves. She is a 4.0 honor student at wmu. And you're a professional musician... That had nothing to do with your break-up I'm sure... I know its possible to fall in love with other people, but i never wanted to. I honestly don't know what i want. I wish i could just hug you and cry. Ok... Backing away slowly now... I have been kind of sad lately. But I'm still strong. So strong that you wanna hug a complete stranger and cry. Becca, if i could ever love someone besides my ex, i wish it could be you. WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! You're in love with another girl and you want to love me? WTF? I know i barely know you, but i feel like i do know you a little. That is the definition of barely... You are an angel. and its 1am and iv got a lot of work and studying tomorrow. Thanks for sharing? I wish you responded, and we fell in love, and loved god together. Jesus doesn't approve of orgys. ill send u a pic of me and my ex. Just so you don't think i date fat/ugly chicks. Oh, good, because that was my first concern upon reading this email. And if you don't like my long hair, if you date me and i like you, i will gladly cut it. I kind of want to, but at the same time, i never want to. Im clean though, lol, i wash my hair really good all the time (most dudes with  long hair are gross) This is just so random I can't even find sarcasm...
what the fuck am i doing, typing this long message to you.  Good question creeper Im sorry, this is such an inconvenience (if you even read up to this point)
If i ever see you on campus, ill just look away. You probably want a regular white guy that is as regular as can be. What the crap dude, way to play the race card when YOU'RE ALSO WHITE!! i know you won't respond, so let me just say that i wish you the best, and may god be with you. i know he is. 

The "I" is just confusing, especially after all of the lowercase "I"s in that email...Did he just wanna test out the shift key? Did he just figure out how it worked??? WHAT HAPPENED? ALSO DO YOU KNOW ABOUT APOSTROPHES??? USE THEM FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS!!! (who still doesn't wanna have an orgy with you.)

He attached a pic of him and his ex to the email, which i will not be posting, mostly to protect the identity of that poor girl... Either she really did a number on him or he's just a basket case....
He did send a follow-up email, which I will dissect and post at another time.

Anyhow... Guys... If you do this chances are good that whatever girl you are interested in will run screaming the other way... Just a heads up.


  1. Oh man...all he needs is a windowless white van...

    1. Well, Apparently he has a black Ford F150... that he had just gotten....

  2. Epic! Best case scenario this dude was drunk

    1. Well, he claims not to have had anything to drink since new years... :P