It IS A VERY Special Day.

Today is a very special day! It is the day marking the 22nd anniversary of the day my bestest buddy in the whole world joined planet earth as her own entity! Happy Birthday EMILY!!!

:D

I have known Emmy for ten years now. (Happy ten-niversary to us EMMY!) I can hardly believe it has been that long, but then again it also seems like I've known her for forever at the same time. I wanted to take a minute to celebrate Emily for the wonderful person she is and also because it is her Birthday! And I also wanted to celebrate the honor of having her as my best friend for all these years.


I'm not so good with the nice words to say about people. I'm quick with the snark, (as Emily well knows) but not so good with the nice things, but thankfully I know where to look to find nice things. These quotes are very true about my friendship with The Emmy.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.
Aristotle

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
Anais Nin

Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.
Jean de La Fontaine

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.
Henry Ford

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.
Laurence J. Peter

These are some of the Emmy's favorite things or things that remind me of her:

 I just wanted to take the time to celebrate Emily in a way she deserves, not only because it is her birthday, but also because she is an all around amazing person who has been there for me whenever I needed her for the past ten years, and I am truly grateful for it, and humbled by it.

One Final Quote:

The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.
Hubert H. Humphrey

Thank you Emily for your years of friendship, and here's to many more!

Brooke

Walking Through The Woods...

As anyone who has ever gone for a walk in the woods knows, you occasionally stumble on a meadow, or a clearing where sunlight dapples the ground, you feel its pleasant warmth on your face, and you feel peaceful and happy. You can hear the birds singing, and everything smells clean and fresh. There is a feeling of rightness and oneness with the world. 

http://www.movewithali.com/clearing-by-martha-postlewaite/

Which is to say, I've been having a few good days lately. I'm less depressed, and I'm actually having feelings again. I'm still not sure how things will work out with Bruce, but he and I are talking, and working on things that will remove stress from our relationship, so that's good at least.  I reached a low point where I became utterly and completely numb to everything last week, which frankly scared the hell out of Bruce, because this is the first time since we've been dating that he's seen me during a depressive episode. I think I'm coming out of it, but when walking through the woods you never know when you'll be snagged on a tree branch. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding my way out. Getting closer to the edge of the forest, at least, I hope so.


Brooke

We're Not Out of the Woods Yet...

It's not that I want to kill myself, It's just that life is not worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, I just would like to stop existing. I've been through this before, my senior year of high school in fact, So I know there are things to live for outside of the forest, but it's hard to keep that in mind when the wind blowing through the trees carries their whispers to your ears... And you can't block it out... because it's inside your own head, so you're forced to listen. And the things the trees whisper... Their scratchy hoarse voices seem to swirl around me coming from every direction...

... You'll never be enough...
... Why would anyone care about you? You're not worth the time...
... Who needs you? You're useless...
... Waste of skin...
... Who would love you? You're not pretty, or all that smart, really...
... Quit fooling yourself. Nobody gives a damn about you...
... Bruce would be better off without you in his life...
... You're a disappointment...

...On and on the voices go. The only escape I have is sleep. But I know that I have to wake up and face the trees again... Trying to weave my way between them trying to dance out of their grasp before they latch on and don't let go...

Bob and weave.... Left, right, jump over the root,
spin so they don't snag your cape!

It works sometimes, for a little while i can almost fool myself that I feel happy... But then I seem to make a misstep... or I follow the wrong sign... or maybe I slip on a pebble and twist my ankle... And when I look up, I see them... Looming over me, and their voices come back stronger than before.

... You won't ever get out...
...You're a failure, You let everyone around you down...
...You aren't good at anything. You're maybe mediocre at best...
... You're weak...
... You're not worth anything...
... Nobody would notice if you were gone...

And they go on and on... Never failing to chip away at whatever self esteem I manage to gather up to shield myself. And then I slowly wear out... I cannot keep fighting indefinitely. I'm only human. Slowly my struggles to free myself from their clasp begin to weaken. I stop caring about my freedom. I stop caring about having feelings. And at the point where my last bit of fight dies, that's when the trees make their move. They clasp me and don't let go, sinking their roots into me...

This is where I'm at now... Trapped...

I know that the woods aren't infinite, but right now, it sure seems that way. But I know that if I keep moving forward, eventually things will get better, the trees will wither, and I will emerge into the sunshine. How long that may take, I'm not sure, however, I'm going to be sticking it out to make sure it happens that way.

Lost In The Woods...

So for some time now, I've been fighting to stave off the trees, (to understand what I'm talking about see this) and I'm afraid it's been a losing battle. I fought until there wasn't anything left, and as much as I hate to say it, I've succumbed to their clutches... At first their branchy grasp hurt, but then it became bearable, and now I hardly feel it anymore, the only time I really feel it is when their grasp on me tightens, but even then the pain is only momentary.

 

 I've reached the point where I'm numb to everything... and I'm not really going to even try to explain it, because unless you've experienced it you won't get it, however, this pretty well explains the numb phase... Click me.... I feel nothing! I know I should have feelings, but I don't. If I were to try and explain this to someone with my own words and not use Allie Brosh's words and pictures, I would say:


I feel empty, a shell of who I am. And I don't even feel sad really, it's like I'm wrapped in a comforter, or hearing things underwater... I don't feel things like I'm supposed to, like I used to. I'm used to actually feeling, but everything is muted, especially my feelings. I hate it, but I can't even get enough emotion in me to hate, it's more of a dislike inside. And I feel apathetic toward everything. It's almost like I feel suicidal again, but I know that I have no reason to feel like that, my life is honestly pretty great.


However just so we're clear, people of internet-land, I'm not gonna do anything, I just feel nothing... Not even hopeless, just... nada... And while that does wonders for my rationality it also fucking sucks, because I work at a daycare during the day and I FUCKING LOVE KIDS!!! At least, I did. Right now I can fake it while I'm there, and then I come home and am exhausted from faking happiness and excitement for a bunch of 3-5 year olds, and then I have to fake happy so my parents aren't worried, and things are happening with Bruce, and he and I despite loving each other ridiculously, may break up due to extenuating circumstances, and while that bothers me on some level, I can't get up enough emotion to do anything about it.... I want to, but it's like trying to run underwater... I have to drag everything and it's exhausting. This is really just a place to vent anyhow.  I'll be back... And hopefully have feelings... Maybe.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's day to all the Mothers and Grandmothers and Great Grandmothers and so on and so forth! Here's a few snapshots of my mom and I over the years.

 

 

 

And I also want to thank her for being an awesome mom to a little girl who was at times just as frustrating as she was cute.  And even though she and I are fighting right now, I still love her and can appreciate everything she has done for me.

Yard Sale Season- This is pretty much a ramble.

We are finally getting warm weather in Michigan! And that means Yard Sale signs EVERYWHERE!!! I have no idea what it is about the weather, or if this happens in other places, but it seems like yard sales only happen in the area where I live at 2 times of the year, as soon as it is hitting 70 degrees pretty consistently in the late spring, and in mid to late fall... again when the weather is about 70 degrees... It seems to be a strange phenomenon where people try to sell their old junk to strangers only if it's a certain temperature out though... Hmmm... could merit investigation. Also could be a fun blog post...

In other news, my Tigers manicure chipped, so I removed the polish, and redid my nails in a floral theme. Each nail has a different floral image on it, but both hands match. (i.e.- the designs on my thumbs are the same and both my ring fingers are lilac and have the same image on them.)

I used konad's nail stamping plates for the designs,
both this time and when I did the Tigers manicure.

I actually bought the black nail polish at Five Below, and while I was there I discovered a nail polish drying solution that really works. It's from the company Fresh Paint. you put one drop on the nail and within 10 seconds the polish is dry... No joke. It's awesome. I also found......

They were only 3 bucks apiece!!!

Yep.. That's Right!!! Mini Tigers Pillow Pets!!! :D And I got one for Bruce!! :P (Sidenote: Bruce actually admitted to wanting a baseball bat... Although he claims it will be for bludgeoning intruders, I'm still counting it as a win for me getting him into baseball.)
I'm going to warn you though, that store is dangerous. Everything is $5 or less... Which seems like a fantastic deal (which honestly it is...) however when things are that cheap you tend to buy a bunch. And the stuff there isn't shitty quality. It's not department store quality, but it's significantly better than the dollar store.

Anyway, apparently this post ended up being a ramble about shopping in general... And nail polish... I swear I'm not a girly girl...