Friday, May 17, 2013

Lost In The Woods...

So for some time now, I've been fighting to stave off the trees, (to understand what I'm talking about see this) and I'm afraid it's been a losing battle. I fought until there wasn't anything left, and as much as I hate to say it, I've succumbed to their clutches... At first their branchy grasp hurt, but then it became bearable, and now I hardly feel it anymore, the only time I really feel it is when their grasp on me tightens, but even then the pain is only momentary.
 I've reached the point where I'm numb to everything... and I'm not really going to even try to explain it, because unless you've experienced it you won't get it, however, this pretty well explains the numb phase... Click me.... I feel nothing! I know I should have feelings, but I don't. If I were to try and explain this to someone with my own words and not use Allie Brosh's words and pictures, I would say:

I feel empty, a shell of who I am. And I don't even feel sad really, it's like I'm wrapped in a comforter, or hearing things underwater... I don't feel things like I'm supposed to, like I used to. I'm used to actually feeling, but everything is muted, especially my feelings. I hate it, but I can't even get enough emotion in me to hate, it's more of a dislike inside. And I feel apathetic toward everything. It's almost like I feel suicidal again, but I know that I have no reason to feel like that, my life is honestly pretty great.

However just so we're clear, people of internet-land, I'm not gonna do anything, I just feel nothing... Not even hopeless, just... nada... And while that does wonders for my rationality it also fucking sucks, because I work at a daycare during the day and I FUCKING LOVE KIDS!!! At least, I did. Right now I can fake it while I'm there, and then I come home and am exhausted from faking happiness and excitement for a bunch of 3-5 year olds, and then I have to fake happy so my parents aren't worried, and things are happening with Bruce, and he and I despite loving each other ridiculously, may break up due to extenuating circumstances, and while that bothers me on some level, I can't get up enough emotion to do anything about it.... I want to, but it's like trying to run underwater... I have to drag everything and it's exhausting. This is really just a place to vent anyhow.  I'll be back... And hopefully have feelings... Maybe.

No comments:

Post a Comment