So for some time now, I've been fighting to stave off the trees, (to understand what I'm talking about see this) and I'm afraid it's been a losing battle. I fought until there wasn't anything left, and as much as I hate to say it, I've succumbed to their clutches... At first their branchy grasp hurt, but then it became bearable, and now I hardly feel it anymore, the only time I really feel it is when their grasp on me tightens, but even then the pain is only momentary.
Click me.... I feel nothing! I know I should have feelings, but I don't. If I were to try and explain this to someone with my own words and not use Allie Brosh's words and pictures, I would say:
I feel empty, a shell of who I am. And I don't even feel sad really,
it's like I'm wrapped in a comforter, or hearing things underwater... I don't feel things like I'm
supposed to, like I used to. I'm used to actually feeling, but
everything is muted, especially my feelings. I hate it, but I can't even get enough emotion in me to hate, it's more
of a dislike inside. And I feel apathetic toward everything. It's almost like I feel suicidal
again, but I know that I have no reason to feel like that, my life is honestly pretty great.
However just so we're clear, people of internet-land, I'm
not gonna do anything, I just feel nothing... Not even hopeless, just... nada... And while that does wonders for my rationality it also fucking sucks, because I work at a daycare during the day and I FUCKING LOVE KIDS!!! At least, I did. Right now I can fake it while I'm there, and then I come home and am exhausted from faking happiness and excitement for a bunch of 3-5 year olds, and then I have to fake happy so my parents aren't worried, and things are happening with Bruce, and he and I despite loving each other ridiculously, may break up due to extenuating circumstances, and while that bothers me on some level, I can't get up enough emotion to do anything about it.... I want to, but it's like trying to run underwater... I have to drag everything and it's exhausting. This is really just a place to vent anyhow. I'll be back... And hopefully have feelings... Maybe.