We're Not Out of the Woods Yet...

It's not that I want to kill myself, It's just that life is not worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, I just would like to stop existing. I've been through this before, my senior year of high school in fact, So I know there are things to live for outside of the forest, but it's hard to keep that in mind when the wind blowing through the trees carries their whispers to your ears... And you can't block it out... because it's inside your own head, so you're forced to listen. And the things the trees whisper... Their scratchy hoarse voices seem to swirl around me coming from every direction...

... You'll never be enough...
... Why would anyone care about you? You're not worth the time...
... Who needs you? You're useless...
... Waste of skin...
... Who would love you? You're not pretty, or all that smart, really...
... Quit fooling yourself. Nobody gives a damn about you...
... Bruce would be better off without you in his life...
... You're a disappointment...

...On and on the voices go. The only escape I have is sleep. But I know that I have to wake up and face the trees again... Trying to weave my way between them trying to dance out of their grasp before they latch on and don't let go...

Bob and weave.... Left, right, jump over the root,
spin so they don't snag your cape!

It works sometimes, for a little while i can almost fool myself that I feel happy... But then I seem to make a misstep... or I follow the wrong sign... or maybe I slip on a pebble and twist my ankle... And when I look up, I see them... Looming over me, and their voices come back stronger than before.

... You won't ever get out...
...You're a failure, You let everyone around you down...
...You aren't good at anything. You're maybe mediocre at best...
... You're weak...
... You're not worth anything...
... Nobody would notice if you were gone...

And they go on and on... Never failing to chip away at whatever self esteem I manage to gather up to shield myself. And then I slowly wear out... I cannot keep fighting indefinitely. I'm only human. Slowly my struggles to free myself from their clasp begin to weaken. I stop caring about my freedom. I stop caring about having feelings. And at the point where my last bit of fight dies, that's when the trees make their move. They clasp me and don't let go, sinking their roots into me...

This is where I'm at now... Trapped...

I know that the woods aren't infinite, but right now, it sure seems that way. But I know that if I keep moving forward, eventually things will get better, the trees will wither, and I will emerge into the sunshine. How long that may take, I'm not sure, however, I'm going to be sticking it out to make sure it happens that way.