Fifteen things.

There's a thing on Facebook where someone gives you a number and you have to say that many things about yourself that most people don't know... This is my list.

My number is 15 I am supposed to tell you 15 things about me that you may or may not know. If you like or comment I will give you a number if you haven't been given one yet.

1. I work 4 jobs.
2. I have ADD and Depression
3. I love to read when I have free time.
4. I'm terrible at cleaning.
5. I'm fairly crafty.
6. I like to sew, and can make a stuffed hippo in under 3 hours.
7. I may look like I know what I'm doing, but I honestly have no clue 99% of the time.
8. Many people think I have my life together, but I don't.
9. I love kids.
10. People asking me questions makes me feel anxious.
11. I may not look like I care what anyone thinks of me, but I really do.
12. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the people in my life.
13. I hide my insecurities behind a curtain of Bravado and false confidence.
14. I have a morbid sense of humor.
15. I'm a coward.

 In doing this I realized that I've been fooling myself about things as much as I've been fooling other people. It's funny how when after a period of time of acting a certain way for the rest of the world to see you start to forget that you're only pretending, how you're somehow able to convince yourself that everything is ok, and you're perfectly fine. How you're able to lie to yourself so convincingly that you don't question it unless you actually do some inner reflection.

 I don't feel like a fraud, but I do know that I'm not actually the person I appear to be from the outside looking in.

Walking Through The Woods...

As anyone who has ever gone for a walk in the woods knows, you occasionally stumble on a meadow, or a clearing where sunlight dapples the ground, you feel its pleasant warmth on your face, and you feel peaceful and happy. You can hear the birds singing, and everything smells clean and fresh. There is a feeling of rightness and oneness with the world. 

http://www.movewithali.com/clearing-by-martha-postlewaite/

Which is to say, I've been having a few good days lately. I'm less depressed, and I'm actually having feelings again. I'm still not sure how things will work out with Bruce, but he and I are talking, and working on things that will remove stress from our relationship, so that's good at least.  I reached a low point where I became utterly and completely numb to everything last week, which frankly scared the hell out of Bruce, because this is the first time since we've been dating that he's seen me during a depressive episode. I think I'm coming out of it, but when walking through the woods you never know when you'll be snagged on a tree branch. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding my way out. Getting closer to the edge of the forest, at least, I hope so.


Brooke

We're Not Out of the Woods Yet...

It's not that I want to kill myself, It's just that life is not worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, I just would like to stop existing. I've been through this before, my senior year of high school in fact, So I know there are things to live for outside of the forest, but it's hard to keep that in mind when the wind blowing through the trees carries their whispers to your ears... And you can't block it out... because it's inside your own head, so you're forced to listen. And the things the trees whisper... Their scratchy hoarse voices seem to swirl around me coming from every direction...

... You'll never be enough...
... Why would anyone care about you? You're not worth the time...
... Who needs you? You're useless...
... Waste of skin...
... Who would love you? You're not pretty, or all that smart, really...
... Quit fooling yourself. Nobody gives a damn about you...
... Bruce would be better off without you in his life...
... You're a disappointment...

...On and on the voices go. The only escape I have is sleep. But I know that I have to wake up and face the trees again... Trying to weave my way between them trying to dance out of their grasp before they latch on and don't let go...

Bob and weave.... Left, right, jump over the root,
spin so they don't snag your cape!

It works sometimes, for a little while i can almost fool myself that I feel happy... But then I seem to make a misstep... or I follow the wrong sign... or maybe I slip on a pebble and twist my ankle... And when I look up, I see them... Looming over me, and their voices come back stronger than before.

... You won't ever get out...
...You're a failure, You let everyone around you down...
...You aren't good at anything. You're maybe mediocre at best...
... You're weak...
... You're not worth anything...
... Nobody would notice if you were gone...

And they go on and on... Never failing to chip away at whatever self esteem I manage to gather up to shield myself. And then I slowly wear out... I cannot keep fighting indefinitely. I'm only human. Slowly my struggles to free myself from their clasp begin to weaken. I stop caring about my freedom. I stop caring about having feelings. And at the point where my last bit of fight dies, that's when the trees make their move. They clasp me and don't let go, sinking their roots into me...

This is where I'm at now... Trapped...

I know that the woods aren't infinite, but right now, it sure seems that way. But I know that if I keep moving forward, eventually things will get better, the trees will wither, and I will emerge into the sunshine. How long that may take, I'm not sure, however, I'm going to be sticking it out to make sure it happens that way.

Lost In The Woods...

So for some time now, I've been fighting to stave off the trees, (to understand what I'm talking about see this) and I'm afraid it's been a losing battle. I fought until there wasn't anything left, and as much as I hate to say it, I've succumbed to their clutches... At first their branchy grasp hurt, but then it became bearable, and now I hardly feel it anymore, the only time I really feel it is when their grasp on me tightens, but even then the pain is only momentary.

 

 I've reached the point where I'm numb to everything... and I'm not really going to even try to explain it, because unless you've experienced it you won't get it, however, this pretty well explains the numb phase... Click me.... I feel nothing! I know I should have feelings, but I don't. If I were to try and explain this to someone with my own words and not use Allie Brosh's words and pictures, I would say:


I feel empty, a shell of who I am. And I don't even feel sad really, it's like I'm wrapped in a comforter, or hearing things underwater... I don't feel things like I'm supposed to, like I used to. I'm used to actually feeling, but everything is muted, especially my feelings. I hate it, but I can't even get enough emotion in me to hate, it's more of a dislike inside. And I feel apathetic toward everything. It's almost like I feel suicidal again, but I know that I have no reason to feel like that, my life is honestly pretty great.


However just so we're clear, people of internet-land, I'm not gonna do anything, I just feel nothing... Not even hopeless, just... nada... And while that does wonders for my rationality it also fucking sucks, because I work at a daycare during the day and I FUCKING LOVE KIDS!!! At least, I did. Right now I can fake it while I'm there, and then I come home and am exhausted from faking happiness and excitement for a bunch of 3-5 year olds, and then I have to fake happy so my parents aren't worried, and things are happening with Bruce, and he and I despite loving each other ridiculously, may break up due to extenuating circumstances, and while that bothers me on some level, I can't get up enough emotion to do anything about it.... I want to, but it's like trying to run underwater... I have to drag everything and it's exhausting. This is really just a place to vent anyhow.  I'll be back... And hopefully have feelings... Maybe.