Winter Blues

Winter is a time where we get together for the holidays, we see loved ones, we give to charities, and where we stay inside because it's too flippin cold to do anything outside. I'm in Michigan, and it is absolutely freezing. The days are grey, the snow is white, the roads are brown/grey slush, and it is freezing.

For me, the holidays are fun, if stress inducing. You see the people you love, you spend time together, there's just a warm cozy feeling. Then, shortly after the first of the year, everyone becomes a hermit.... You don't go outside unless you absolutely must, you wait until there is an obscene amount of cans and bottles laying around the garage to return them (so many that they don't fit in the trunk of your coupe, and so you say"I'll make another trip" and then you don't because "gosh it's so cold, they can wait." and now it's gotten obscene again) and you don't return the cans and bottles until you have to go to the bank, or get a haircut (but that doesn't seem entirely necessary either, you can wait til spring, right?) or some other thing happens where you can't justify staying in any longer. Then you trudge out into the snow and ice, and get going. You drive around, make the necessary stops, and arrive back home with a feeling of accomplishment. You feel better, less depressed. You make plans for the next day, and then wake up the next morning and go..."oh... it's cold... I'm not going out today" and then you stay in for a week, before deciding that enough is enough and you go out and return those bottles and cans... or maybe not....

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have an issue getting myself to do anything during the winter, post-holidays, and I get depressed. And that sucks. I wanna go out and build snowmen, and make forts, and have snowball fights... I wanna!! But I'm just too... depressed, I guess, to go out and do it. Does anyone else have that problem??? How do you make yourself do things like life in general when you don't want to???

Thanks,
Brooke

What Is Going On

So... I have been off the internet a bunch in the past few months... A bunch of stuff has been happening in my life, and I need to just put it out there without having the people I love tell me what is right and what is wrong....

Bruce and I have been dating since the end of last December. I moved in with him on October 19th. We're living with his parents at the moment, and they are wonderful lovely people, who by all accounts seem to adore me. We're looking at buying a house together, and we couldn't be happier with each other.

Our room is an absolute disaster, I'm sitting on the floor as I type this, and... well, I'll just give you a visual of the mess...

Hello!

Honestly, I've cleaned it up quite a bit.... but there's still a long way to go. ( and that's only a quarter f the room... you should see the rest.) I'm actually supposed to be cleaning right now, but I have ADD and my meds haven't quite kicked in yet. (It's not that I'm avoiding the cleaning.... Nope. Not at all.)

Anyhow, my parents are angry I've moved out, they're mad that I'm dating Bruce, they're just all around mad. My mother is furious with my dad's parents for wanting to get to know Bruce, and has pretty much cut them out of her life, for which I feel terrible, but she has to realize that she doesn't control anyone's life but her own, and she can't. Bruce isn't a bad guy, he's actually the best guy I've dated. He loves and adores me, but also respects me and treats me as an equal, not something to be put on a pedestal and elevated to impossible heights, but also not as a fragile china doll. He knows I am capable of doing things, and respects that, and that's one reason why I love him.

Over the past year I've come to realize that the only things I can control are my own actions, and how I react to the things other people do. My mom has done some things this past year for which I was furious with her about, however I have forgiven her. I just hope that in time she learns to do the same. I wish things were different, and I wish that I could change them, but another thing I've realized is that I am not responsible for the actions of those around me, nor am I responsible for the happiness of those around me. I am only one person, I can't do everything for everyone else, and be happy myself. The best I can do is to do things that will make me happy and try to please others. Which is not to say that I don't do things for other people, I do, but I am no longer making myself a martyr for those around me. I have realized that I have to stop sacrificing my own happiness and self worth for everyone else, because then I am unhappy. There is a balance to all things and I've found my way to that balance. It is hectic and stressful and sometimes makes me freak out, but I'm becoming a better, happier person, and that is what life is really all about.

And so, I'll update when I can, with whatever I can. I hope you understand.

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Brooke

Sooo..

I'm taking a break from the interwebs for a while... I'm starting to wander through the woods again, and I need to get a handle on it... to understand what I'm talking about, CLICK ME.
So, I'm going to be not on here for a while. But I'll be back, whether you like it or not. :P

Also, if you wanna see something not depressing,  Click HERE or HERE.


Brooke

Walking Through The Woods...

As anyone who has ever gone for a walk in the woods knows, you occasionally stumble on a meadow, or a clearing where sunlight dapples the ground, you feel its pleasant warmth on your face, and you feel peaceful and happy. You can hear the birds singing, and everything smells clean and fresh. There is a feeling of rightness and oneness with the world. 

http://www.movewithali.com/clearing-by-martha-postlewaite/

Which is to say, I've been having a few good days lately. I'm less depressed, and I'm actually having feelings again. I'm still not sure how things will work out with Bruce, but he and I are talking, and working on things that will remove stress from our relationship, so that's good at least.  I reached a low point where I became utterly and completely numb to everything last week, which frankly scared the hell out of Bruce, because this is the first time since we've been dating that he's seen me during a depressive episode. I think I'm coming out of it, but when walking through the woods you never know when you'll be snagged on a tree branch. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm finding my way out. Getting closer to the edge of the forest, at least, I hope so.


Brooke

We're Not Out of the Woods Yet...

It's not that I want to kill myself, It's just that life is not worth living. I'm not going to kill myself, I just would like to stop existing. I've been through this before, my senior year of high school in fact, So I know there are things to live for outside of the forest, but it's hard to keep that in mind when the wind blowing through the trees carries their whispers to your ears... And you can't block it out... because it's inside your own head, so you're forced to listen. And the things the trees whisper... Their scratchy hoarse voices seem to swirl around me coming from every direction...

... You'll never be enough...
... Why would anyone care about you? You're not worth the time...
... Who needs you? You're useless...
... Waste of skin...
... Who would love you? You're not pretty, or all that smart, really...
... Quit fooling yourself. Nobody gives a damn about you...
... Bruce would be better off without you in his life...
... You're a disappointment...

...On and on the voices go. The only escape I have is sleep. But I know that I have to wake up and face the trees again... Trying to weave my way between them trying to dance out of their grasp before they latch on and don't let go...

Bob and weave.... Left, right, jump over the root,
spin so they don't snag your cape!

It works sometimes, for a little while i can almost fool myself that I feel happy... But then I seem to make a misstep... or I follow the wrong sign... or maybe I slip on a pebble and twist my ankle... And when I look up, I see them... Looming over me, and their voices come back stronger than before.

... You won't ever get out...
...You're a failure, You let everyone around you down...
...You aren't good at anything. You're maybe mediocre at best...
... You're weak...
... You're not worth anything...
... Nobody would notice if you were gone...

And they go on and on... Never failing to chip away at whatever self esteem I manage to gather up to shield myself. And then I slowly wear out... I cannot keep fighting indefinitely. I'm only human. Slowly my struggles to free myself from their clasp begin to weaken. I stop caring about my freedom. I stop caring about having feelings. And at the point where my last bit of fight dies, that's when the trees make their move. They clasp me and don't let go, sinking their roots into me...

This is where I'm at now... Trapped...

I know that the woods aren't infinite, but right now, it sure seems that way. But I know that if I keep moving forward, eventually things will get better, the trees will wither, and I will emerge into the sunshine. How long that may take, I'm not sure, however, I'm going to be sticking it out to make sure it happens that way.

Lost In The Woods...

So for some time now, I've been fighting to stave off the trees, (to understand what I'm talking about see this) and I'm afraid it's been a losing battle. I fought until there wasn't anything left, and as much as I hate to say it, I've succumbed to their clutches... At first their branchy grasp hurt, but then it became bearable, and now I hardly feel it anymore, the only time I really feel it is when their grasp on me tightens, but even then the pain is only momentary.

 

 I've reached the point where I'm numb to everything... and I'm not really going to even try to explain it, because unless you've experienced it you won't get it, however, this pretty well explains the numb phase... Click me.... I feel nothing! I know I should have feelings, but I don't. If I were to try and explain this to someone with my own words and not use Allie Brosh's words and pictures, I would say:


I feel empty, a shell of who I am. And I don't even feel sad really, it's like I'm wrapped in a comforter, or hearing things underwater... I don't feel things like I'm supposed to, like I used to. I'm used to actually feeling, but everything is muted, especially my feelings. I hate it, but I can't even get enough emotion in me to hate, it's more of a dislike inside. And I feel apathetic toward everything. It's almost like I feel suicidal again, but I know that I have no reason to feel like that, my life is honestly pretty great.


However just so we're clear, people of internet-land, I'm not gonna do anything, I just feel nothing... Not even hopeless, just... nada... And while that does wonders for my rationality it also fucking sucks, because I work at a daycare during the day and I FUCKING LOVE KIDS!!! At least, I did. Right now I can fake it while I'm there, and then I come home and am exhausted from faking happiness and excitement for a bunch of 3-5 year olds, and then I have to fake happy so my parents aren't worried, and things are happening with Bruce, and he and I despite loving each other ridiculously, may break up due to extenuating circumstances, and while that bothers me on some level, I can't get up enough emotion to do anything about it.... I want to, but it's like trying to run underwater... I have to drag everything and it's exhausting. This is really just a place to vent anyhow.  I'll be back... And hopefully have feelings... Maybe.

Depression - The Struggle to Get Out of the Woods

This week I had to take a survey about Suicide Prevention as part of my training for my tutoring job, because I work directly with the student population, and  need to be able to recognize the symptoms and actions of someone who feels suicidal or is severely depressed. I have a pretty good grasp on that, because for a period of my life, I was, and in some ways still am, one of those people.

Depression is a topic that has been receiving more attention as of late. It has become seen as less of a "lack of strength/will" and more of a public knowledge issue. However it is still very hard for people to admit they have it. I have never had an issue admitting my issues. I have Clinical Depression. This admission often shocks the people around me, provided they don't know me that well. My friends are all aware that I'm medicated for both ADD and Depression. When I tell someone for the first time that I have Depression, the most common response I get to this admission is "No you don't." Which I find amusing to almost no end. Sometimes that response makes me wonder if I'm just that good at faking it. (I'm pretty sure I'm not.) But I do understand why people who don't really know me have a hard time believing I am clinically depressed. I often smile at strangers, crack jokes, make fun of myself, and generally have a seemingly positive outlook on life in general. I mean, I'm LOUD (my friends will confirm this without having to even think about it), in your face, unabashed, utterly unashamed of myself, and I grab every second I can and I am determined to have fun with those seconds. Because I can dammit!

The day of the senior picnic at my high school...
My last day of High School. And I enjoyed the hell out of it!
Despite the fact that internally I was flipping out because all of my friends
were going off to different schools and I was staying home
and commuting to school, and everything I was used to would be changing,
and maybe my friends would forget me and omg....

 But the fact of the matter is that I do have depression. It's something I deal with every single day. I am medicated for it, which helps a lot. It's no longer a battle every single day. But there are days where I do struggle. Medication helps, don't get me wrong, but it isn't a magic cure. I've struggled with suicide in the past, and even attempted to kill myself once, but I've gotten through thanks to the support of my loved ones.

Many people with depression say it's a darkness inside themselves, or that it's like a pit they fall into. It's not cute like they make it out to be in those commercials where the little black blob follows the cartoon lady around turning from a raincloud to a hole in the sidewalk. For many people it is a deep dark hole that sometimes they cannot crawl out of. For me, it's not a hole, although it is a dark and scary place. For me, Depression is pretty well summed up by this image.

What Depression feels like for Me.

Yep. A Disney Movie has a scene in it that pretty perfectly captures my depression episodes. For me depression is like those trees. Reaching for me all the time, however I'm able to keep out of their evil branchy grasp.... Until I'm not. And that's when I get sucked into my dark place.  And more often than not it's something little and stupid that sends me running headlong from this :

However if I were singing like Snow White is doing in this picture,
the animals would be fleeing for their lives...
I, to quote my mother, "can't carry a tune in a bucket."

To this:

I know it sucks Snow. Sometimes you fight and fight to get out,
but the trees just grab you and pull you back in. And it sucks.

And sometimes I'm able to untangle my dress from the clutch of the trees and make a dash for the forest's edge... and more often than not, I'm successful at getting away. But sometimes I'm not and the trees reach out and grab me again. And I end up spending far too much time in the dark forest.

When my depression is at it's worst I feel like this, terrified, and alone,
being reached for by some horrible monster wanting to consume me whole.

But I always know I have people around me who love me and would miss me if I were to do the horrible things the trees whisper to me as the wind blows. I force myself to get out of bed on the days when it's at it's worst, because if I don't then the trees win. I force myself out of bed and make myself do something that day, because if i don't then the depression wins. If I'm able to accomplish one thing that matters to me that day, then it means that I matter, that I make a difference, and the lies and hate spewed from the darkness are just that, lies. And I make myself remember that when I come out the other side of the forest, because I will get out, come hell or high water, I'm going to turn around and look at what sent me into the forest in the first place, and go:

What the crap? They're just some friggin branches...
Give me my dress back before you rip it! Paws off the cape pal!

That's what gets me through my days bad days. Knowing that on the other side I'm going to be able to realize that the things that send me running are just sticks and twigs. And they're going to break before I do. Because I have things in my life to live for, and I have goals, and people who love me.
If you are stuck in your personal forest, or whatever your depression manifests as to you, remember, there are people that love you and want to help you. Hell, I love you and want to help you, and we haven't ever spoken to each other most likely.

Suicide is not the answer. I know. I tried it, and have the scar to show for it. In the 7 years since my attempt it has faded significantly and healed very well, it's now just a pale spot on the inside of my right wrist that is only truly noticeable when I get a tan. I'm not ashamed of it however. It's a part of my life. One of the dumbest parts of my life, I admit, but I am not ashamed of it. I am disappointed in myself for attempting to kill myself, no question about it, but I am not ashamed of the scar. It reminds me every time I look at it that I am stronger than the depression. That I am capable of saving myself, and that I am better than the trees whisper that I am. And so are you.

Don't let the lies the trees whisper get to you. They're lies. Plain and simple. And you are better than lies. If you feel hopeless and like you have no where to turn, that isn't true. there are many places. If you can't talk to your family or friends about how you feel, call a hotline. And if you are unaware of the signs and symptoms, I encourage you to learn up.

A bit of information:

1. Mental health issues can affect everyone, without regard for sex, race, religion, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status. It's estimated that about 1 in 4 people in the U.S. have a mental health condition in any given year.
2. Gay, lesbian and bisexual teens are five times more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual counterparts.
3. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among people ages 10-24 years, including college students. 

Suicide IS preventable. Someone may be suicidal if s/he:
• Expresses depression, anxiety, stress, & feelings of hopelessness
• Has increased conflicts with or aggression toward others
• Talks or writes about death & dying, killing oneself, or ending it all
• Starts giving away possessions or tying up loose ends
• Withdraws from family, friends, & activities once enjoyed
• Increases use of alcohol/drugs or engages in reckless behaviors
• Gains access to guns, pills, knives, etc

 
Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Available 24/7

Common Ground: 248-456-0909, 800-231-9100
www.commongroundhelps.org
Available 24/7


Affirmations (GLBTQ Support): 1-800-398-GAYS
www.goaffirmations.org
Available Mon-Sat, 3pm-9pm


And there are many, many more that are community based.

Peace, Love and LIFE
Brooke