Do You Know My Name?

So, A couple nights ago I had this dream that Bruce was calling me by my mother's name, and some other name I no longer remember. I woke up, and woke Bruce up out of a dead sleep and said "Do you know what my name is?" and it took him a second, and he goes "Brooke?" and I go "You keep calling me by my mother's name." And after a few more seconds he goes "Melissa?" and I go "Yeah, and InsertOtherNameHere."and then without even thinking about it he goes "Oh. I'm sorry." And we go back to sleep.

The next morning I'm on my way to my final clinical evaluation and the above scenario just popped into my head... And I was like... Did that actually happen? That's weird... And then I forget about it. And then after my eval, (I got a 3.8 in my psych clinical for those of you who care) Bruce texts me to see if I want to grab lunch with him. So I head over to a restaurant by his work and grab a table. He comes in and sits down and we start chatting about our respective days, and after I tell him about my clinical eval the weirdness from the night before pops into my head again. So I ask him, "Did I wake you up last night?" And he goes "Oh thank God. I'm not going crazy. I was sitting at my desk today thinking about how weird a dream that was for me to be having." And then we burst into laughter. And I go "The best part of that is that you apologized." And he goes, "Well, That goes to show you, even in my sleep I still believe that you can be right, or you can be happy."

And since then it has led to a lot of harassing and facebook conversations like this...

Winter Blues

Winter is a time where we get together for the holidays, we see loved ones, we give to charities, and where we stay inside because it's too flippin cold to do anything outside. I'm in Michigan, and it is absolutely freezing. The days are grey, the snow is white, the roads are brown/grey slush, and it is freezing.

For me, the holidays are fun, if stress inducing. You see the people you love, you spend time together, there's just a warm cozy feeling. Then, shortly after the first of the year, everyone becomes a hermit.... You don't go outside unless you absolutely must, you wait until there is an obscene amount of cans and bottles laying around the garage to return them (so many that they don't fit in the trunk of your coupe, and so you say"I'll make another trip" and then you don't because "gosh it's so cold, they can wait." and now it's gotten obscene again) and you don't return the cans and bottles until you have to go to the bank, or get a haircut (but that doesn't seem entirely necessary either, you can wait til spring, right?) or some other thing happens where you can't justify staying in any longer. Then you trudge out into the snow and ice, and get going. You drive around, make the necessary stops, and arrive back home with a feeling of accomplishment. You feel better, less depressed. You make plans for the next day, and then wake up the next morning and go..."oh... it's cold... I'm not going out today" and then you stay in for a week, before deciding that enough is enough and you go out and return those bottles and cans... or maybe not....

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have an issue getting myself to do anything during the winter, post-holidays, and I get depressed. And that sucks. I wanna go out and build snowmen, and make forts, and have snowball fights... I wanna!! But I'm just too... depressed, I guess, to go out and do it. Does anyone else have that problem??? How do you make yourself do things like life in general when you don't want to???

Thanks,
Brooke

What Is Going On

So... I have been off the internet a bunch in the past few months... A bunch of stuff has been happening in my life, and I need to just put it out there without having the people I love tell me what is right and what is wrong....

Bruce and I have been dating since the end of last December. I moved in with him on October 19th. We're living with his parents at the moment, and they are wonderful lovely people, who by all accounts seem to adore me. We're looking at buying a house together, and we couldn't be happier with each other.

Our room is an absolute disaster, I'm sitting on the floor as I type this, and... well, I'll just give you a visual of the mess...

Hello!

Honestly, I've cleaned it up quite a bit.... but there's still a long way to go. ( and that's only a quarter f the room... you should see the rest.) I'm actually supposed to be cleaning right now, but I have ADD and my meds haven't quite kicked in yet. (It's not that I'm avoiding the cleaning.... Nope. Not at all.)

Anyhow, my parents are angry I've moved out, they're mad that I'm dating Bruce, they're just all around mad. My mother is furious with my dad's parents for wanting to get to know Bruce, and has pretty much cut them out of her life, for which I feel terrible, but she has to realize that she doesn't control anyone's life but her own, and she can't. Bruce isn't a bad guy, he's actually the best guy I've dated. He loves and adores me, but also respects me and treats me as an equal, not something to be put on a pedestal and elevated to impossible heights, but also not as a fragile china doll. He knows I am capable of doing things, and respects that, and that's one reason why I love him.

Over the past year I've come to realize that the only things I can control are my own actions, and how I react to the things other people do. My mom has done some things this past year for which I was furious with her about, however I have forgiven her. I just hope that in time she learns to do the same. I wish things were different, and I wish that I could change them, but another thing I've realized is that I am not responsible for the actions of those around me, nor am I responsible for the happiness of those around me. I am only one person, I can't do everything for everyone else, and be happy myself. The best I can do is to do things that will make me happy and try to please others. Which is not to say that I don't do things for other people, I do, but I am no longer making myself a martyr for those around me. I have realized that I have to stop sacrificing my own happiness and self worth for everyone else, because then I am unhappy. There is a balance to all things and I've found my way to that balance. It is hectic and stressful and sometimes makes me freak out, but I'm becoming a better, happier person, and that is what life is really all about.

And so, I'll update when I can, with whatever I can. I hope you understand.

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Brooke

Fifteen things.

There's a thing on Facebook where someone gives you a number and you have to say that many things about yourself that most people don't know... This is my list.

My number is 15 I am supposed to tell you 15 things about me that you may or may not know. If you like or comment I will give you a number if you haven't been given one yet.

1. I work 4 jobs.
2. I have ADD and Depression
3. I love to read when I have free time.
4. I'm terrible at cleaning.
5. I'm fairly crafty.
6. I like to sew, and can make a stuffed hippo in under 3 hours.
7. I may look like I know what I'm doing, but I honestly have no clue 99% of the time.
8. Many people think I have my life together, but I don't.
9. I love kids.
10. People asking me questions makes me feel anxious.
11. I may not look like I care what anyone thinks of me, but I really do.
12. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the people in my life.
13. I hide my insecurities behind a curtain of Bravado and false confidence.
14. I have a morbid sense of humor.
15. I'm a coward.

 In doing this I realized that I've been fooling myself about things as much as I've been fooling other people. It's funny how when after a period of time of acting a certain way for the rest of the world to see you start to forget that you're only pretending, how you're somehow able to convince yourself that everything is ok, and you're perfectly fine. How you're able to lie to yourself so convincingly that you don't question it unless you actually do some inner reflection.

 I don't feel like a fraud, but I do know that I'm not actually the person I appear to be from the outside looking in.

Guys... This Is NOT How You Get A Girl To Like You... PART TWO

So, this is the second email my friend recieved. To see the first one, which will give you some context, CLICK ME!!! This one is much shorter, but it just adds to the confusion and ridiculousness...

Subject: last email i promise  Well, at least that sounds promising.

hey, first let me tell you this is my last ever message to you. I kinda figured that out from the subject line.... I just wanted to say, that i have chosen to go back to western next fall.  I'm going to move into a house with 3 other friends. Because this will make you not a loser, right? I'm gonna get my woman back. Your woman huh? Oh boy... I mainly just wanted to tell you that, it would have been crazy if you gave me a chance, our lives would have changed. Well, Becca's life would have.... It would have permanently ceased. You are my 'crush' i will never tell my woman about. Oh gee, I'm flattered. Honestly, i liked your physical appearance because you looked a lot like my woman. and I'm really smart, and strong,  and its too bad you don't know.. Yeah... Too bad, I'm really feeling like I missed out right about now.  I would have treated you so good. we could go spend money, (AM I A GOLD DIGGER???)  driving in my awesome new black 2011 f-150...but, I'm just going to try and gain as much muscle and knowledge (physiology, the brain) as i can before i go to kalamazoo next year. You do know that the study of the brain is Psychology... Right? The study of the body's functions is Physiology.... I can't wait to see my woman. And she can't wait to give you a restraining order, I'm sure. You look just like her, so amazingly beautiful, you are a common specie,(Is that even a word?) you are a princess. wishyathebest in the medical field.

Did you forget how a space bar works??? You don't feel a need to explain the insanity of that last email??? I feel a need to forward this to "Your Woman" to give her a heads up... I have no words... This email kinda just boggles the mind...

In conclusion.... Guys, don't send creepy emails.... In fact, don't be creepy. If you suspect something you're about to do might be interpreted as creepy, don't do it! It probably is creepy or will be interpreted that way.

Guys, In Case You Were Wondering, This Is NOT How You Get A Girl To Like You. PART ONE

Ok, this IS a REAL email my friend recieved over a year ago that I just now found out about... And it is a gold mine of DO NOT'S for guys.  First off, the names have been changed. Secondly here is a bit of background that led up to this email and another one that I will deconstruct another day...

 So my friend, let's call her Becca, was in a bio lab, and she's a cute little petite thing, and is mildly hipsterish in dress, but she doesn't do it on purpose, it's just always been her style. Anyhow, She's a good christian girl, and an only child, who was also home-schooled. (read here that she is sweet and innocent, and a bit oblivious to opposite gender cues... To be entirely fair, I was not home-schooled and Bruce had to flat out tell me he liked me.)  Anyhow one day this guy comes up to her and is like, "Can I have a word with you?" Which honestly makes it sound like she's in trouble... anyhow they chatted about the class for a bit and then he started pushing her to hang out one on one and get food or study or something and she invited him to lunch with her friends and he declines saying that would be awkward. So the next week after lab he approaches her again... And tries to persuade her to hang out with him one on one, she declines again. Then the next week he approaches her and asks if she had thought about his offer. She tells him no, and he walks away and doesn't bother her for the rest of the semester. Then a few weeks into the next semester she gets this little gem.


Hey becca, you might remember me, I'm jim, and i was in your bio lab last semester. You might think I'm creepy, and i assure you i am not. Thanks for the heads up Jim-bo BUT i did end up finding ur email, so sorry for looking like a creep. "Once again I feel a need to reiterate I am not exhibiting creepy behavior, because I say so, even though I clearly realize my behavior is creepy because I keep trying to convince you otherwise." If you think I'm weird, then you can simply not respond to this email, and no hard feelings, ill be ok. Good to know... I'm not responding.
Well, ill just be completely honest.. 
I haven't had a girlfriend since i last said bye to her at the end of last school year. Wait, you've had a girlfriend? I am still in love with her ;( she was almost perfect until her friends brainwashed her. Yeah... sure they did. So when you told me that you would only date a guy in your circle of close friends, I found it somewhat coincidental. What? How? But the worst part is, she just recently told me that she can't talk to me anymore, and she's about to date one of her good friends. Well, While I'm sorry to hear that you are heartbroken, why are you telling me this, and what does this have to do with me???
When I first talked to you, i had hesitations because i wanted to stay loyal to my ex, and wanted to date her again. And i never talk to girls, but you are so beautiful and smart-looking. Gee.. I bet you say that to all the girls. AND What exactly does smart look like? Are you implying that I'm not actually smart?
Anyways, idk if you live at your parents house, or you live with friends. But i just moved back in with my family this year. I transferred from western. Now, I don't have any close friends that still live here. I have few friends around, but i only hang out rarely. So I'm assuming that if you live with friends, you will probably think I'm a loser because I'm living at my parents home. I assure you this is not why I would think you're a loser... I don't party anymore, I rarely drink, i drank with my close friends for new years, but thats it. I have the best friends in the world, its just they are all moved away ;(  Sorry? I'm glad you have friends?  What do you want me to say? Also.. Emoticons? Really?
I don't talk to anyone really. just through the phone, long distance. Well, long distance conversation WAS the purpose of the telephone, so, Kudos to you Jimmy! You're doing it right. i guess I'm a loner now. I wish you wouldn't think I'm a loser, because I'm not. Why are you so convinced that I think you're a loser??? You realize that doing this DOES make you seem like a loser, right?  If you give me a chance, then i could prove it to u. Im a professional musician. lol. You and every other high school kid with an instrument  i wish i could show u my art. If this is anything like "come over and see my etchings" I'm even less interested. 
Ok, this is going to sound weird: Oh THIS is the weird part, ok. I was confused by the normalcy of the rest of this email. Thanks for the heads up.  I have had a very stressful and eventful life. So, you're trying to convince me you're deep and brooding... got it. I never believed and talked to god, until a few months ago. I love him, but now my mind is flip-flopping, and I know you believe in god, i wish we could embrace him. Here I'm just picturing a Jesus group hug. I typed ur name in google and saw something about the bible and you. Don't worry, i didn't spend a lot of time looking you up, I'm not a creep. True fact: if you set an egg timer for 15 minutes and then google someone, as long as you're done before the egg timer dings, you're not a creep. Cosmo said so! Also, If you are googling someone DON'T FUCKING TELL THEM!!! Telling them is what makes it creepy. I just want to do good in school, and be happy. Its really hard, because the love of my life just betrayed me. We were first loves. She is a 4.0 honor student at wmu. And you're a professional musician... That had nothing to do with your break-up I'm sure... I know its possible to fall in love with other people, but i never wanted to. I honestly don't know what i want. I wish i could just hug you and cry. Ok... Backing away slowly now... I have been kind of sad lately. But I'm still strong. So strong that you wanna hug a complete stranger and cry. Becca, if i could ever love someone besides my ex, i wish it could be you. WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! You're in love with another girl and you want to love me? WTF? I know i barely know you, but i feel like i do know you a little. That is the definition of barely... You are an angel. and its 1am and iv got a lot of work and studying tomorrow. Thanks for sharing? I wish you responded, and we fell in love, and loved god together. Jesus doesn't approve of orgys. ill send u a pic of me and my ex. Just so you don't think i date fat/ugly chicks. Oh, good, because that was my first concern upon reading this email. And if you don't like my long hair, if you date me and i like you, i will gladly cut it. I kind of want to, but at the same time, i never want to. Im clean though, lol, i wash my hair really good all the time (most dudes with  long hair are gross) This is just so random I can't even find sarcasm...
what the fuck am i doing, typing this long message to you.  Good question creeper Im sorry, this is such an inconvenience (if you even read up to this point)
If i ever see you on campus, ill just look away. You probably want a regular white guy that is as regular as can be. What the crap dude, way to play the race card when YOU'RE ALSO WHITE!! i know you won't respond, so let me just say that i wish you the best, and may god be with you. i know he is. 
I

The "I" is just confusing, especially after all of the lowercase "I"s in that email...Did he just wanna test out the shift key? Did he just figure out how it worked??? WHAT HAPPENED? ALSO DO YOU KNOW ABOUT APOSTROPHES??? USE THEM FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS!!! (who still doesn't wanna have an orgy with you.)

He attached a pic of him and his ex to the email, which i will not be posting, mostly to protect the identity of that poor girl... Either she really did a number on him or he's just a basket case....
He did send a follow-up email, which I will dissect and post at another time.

Anyhow... Guys... If you do this chances are good that whatever girl you are interested in will run screaming the other way... Just a heads up.

Teaser

This is a Teaser for an upcoming post that I'm working on...

My friend is in orange, Bruce is blue... I didn't feel like typing "friend' over and over....